Today is the last day of thinking about what I need to do. Procrastinating and deliberating are finished with. Now it is time to commit.
Look at me with the powerful statements, all energised and ready to move forward. I’m good at this bit. I’m good at shouting loudly about what I am going to do.
Recently I have discovered the actual taking action bit, the follow through, the doing it, the staying the distance for the long haul; I’m not so good at. Which was a bit of a surprise. I am the first to volunteer, the first to jump up and agree to do the hard challenge. I’m the Yes girl, no matter how daft, daring or dangerous I’m there smiling and truly loving it. In fact only in September was I trudging down the Thames in the cold and dark amidst a 100k in 24 hours walk. It was hard, it was painful and it was done, finished, money raised, hands clapped, home. I can do that, that’s not difficult. I’ve done that all my life. I’ve sprung with gusto and energy from one amazing adventure to the next but nothing & no one has stuck, really stuck.
So now is about making a forever change. A no going back this is me, this is who I want to be change. It’s about making better decisions; understanding what is important to me and what I want out of life. It’s about being strong, agile and fit. It’s about having fun and being silly; getting out there; my mojo back & it never getting up and walking away again.
I’ve talked about it to everyone! I’ve read about it, investigated theories, recognised patterns of behaviours, triggers, reasons. Over the last 12 months I have stumbled and stalled with my attempts to try ‘different’. I’ve said over and over ‘do what you always do and you get what you always get’. Still I’ve done what I always did! I could blame it all sorts of things, shattering heart break, change of demanding job, dark dangerous nights, even the cold biting weather! The truth is it’s hard, the switch hadn’t flicked. I didn’t want the change enough. I was happy hiding under the excuses and staying at home. Tomorrow and feeling tired were my friend.
I can’t tell you why today is different- it just is. I feel in control. I know what I want. I’m excited. It feels new but it also feels hard and scary. My stomach is in knots. But I know this change must happen, it feels like it’s crawling out from under my skin. It’s about making better choices. Maybe this is growing up!
So from tomorrow morning my life will be different, not necessarily better or easier- different and this is the place I will be writing about it. It will be called operation banish slug!